Hasses aren't only avocados.

Pater: Delivery on Mount Sinai

Posted by Pater , Monday, June 13, 2016 10:27 PM

Chapter 20
1. Behold the Prophetess Mater foresaw that the delivery would happen on Monday, 20th of June.
2. And so it was, on Monday 13th June, the second day of Shavuot, a commemoration of the giving of the Ten Commandments to the Children of Israel, that the Prophetess Mater threw a feast.
3. Delights not seen on this earth for many a year were prepared for the guests.  Gravlax. Two types of fruit soup (mango and strawberry, to be poured concurrently into bowl, not stirred, so that the two shalt not mix).  Cauliflower fritters. Pumpkin seed lasagna.  Quiche.  And a blood orange sorbet to cleanse the palate.  Such was the promised lunch on that most auspicious of days.
4. Twas the eleventh hour of the day, and lo the Prophetess Mater proclaimed unto the Prophet Pater, "It mayst be possible that mine waters have broken" and the Prophet Pater laughed.  "Will thy jest with me when I have just put out the best whisky libations for our guests?"
5.  The Prophet and Prophetess, still uncertain of what this sign could be, welcomed their guests, dusty from their roadly travels.  And one of the guests, a healer, proclaimed that indeed the sign was true. "To Mount Sinai thou shalt go".
6.  The next guests arrived and proclaimed, even louder, "To Mount Sinai thou shalt go".
7.  And the final guests arrived and as they crossed over the threshold, were met with the cry, "Verily to Mount Sinai we are going!".
8. There are some who say that, as they exited, the Prophetess called out, "the gravlax should be served with those special spoons, the dipping sauce for the cauliflower fritters is in the blue Tupperware, don't mix the fruit soups, and don't forget the blood orange sorbet in the freezer.  It will clean thy palates."
9. There are others who say that as they exited, the Prophet called out, "watch the kids for us.  And don't give them too much sugar.  Cheers".

Chapter 21
1.After a miraculous journey, carried on the wings of eagles, the bewildered couple arrived at Mount Sinai.
2. And verily they asked the healers there, "how is it possible that the delivery is a week early, when none of our other deliveries were ahead of schedule?"
3. The healers all shrugged, pointed to the Heavens and proclaimed, "God knows."  And the Prophet and Prophetess nodded at this sagely concurrence.
4. And so the Prophetess and Prophet began preparations for the delivery.
5. And waited.
6. And waited.
7. And waited.
8. Happenchance, at the twenty-first hour of the day, as all possible conversation had been exhausted,  the healers and their helpers declared unto the Prophetess, "we are ready for you."
9. And behold, while the Prophetess was being made ready for the miraculous event, the Prophet was enrobed in those most priestly of garments - the holy yellow surgical gown, the stifling blue face mask, the dinner lady hair net and the shaatznez-free shoe covers. Only thus, the Prophet was informed, will the plague be kept from the room.  "What about cleansing my hands?" asked the Prophet.  "No need to go overboard," they responded. And the Prophet bowed to their superior knowledge and sat down quietly.

Chapter 22
1. Behold, at 9.35pm, with only twenty minutes to go until the end of the feast day of Shavuot, the day when the Lord delivered the Ten Commandments to an expectant people, did the Lord again perform a miracle and deliver a wonderful gift unto the expectant Prophetess and Prophet.
2. And lo, it was a boy.  A 7lbs, 14oz boy.  A beautiful boy.
3. "We shall name him, AJ4," declared the Prophet.
4. "Not on his birth certificate," murmured the Prophetess.
5. Twenty minutes passed and hurriedly did the Prophet turn on his phone to create remembrances and to declare unto the grandparents and to the uncles and to the aunts that a boy had been born to the House of Avocado Hass.
6. And verily did Grandma Toronto, and then Auntie Toronto, not believe the Prophet.  But it was not a jest. And they heard and they accepted.
7. A commotion was heard throughout the land once people realised that the child was born on the day of the giving of the Commandments, at Mount Sinai (hospital), on the 6th month and 13th day in the Gregorian calendar (613 - the total number of commandments in the Torah), and that his pediatrician's first name is Moshe.  "Miraculous" claimed some.  "Spooky" claimed others.
8. The Prophet and Prophetess were united in their declaration, "welcome to the world, AJ4!"
9.  And the boy smiled.