Mater: An homage to US...

Posted by Mater , Monday, August 30, 2010 11:03 PM

No, not "US" the Avocado Hasses - we're not that vain! This is an homage to that bastion of good literature and taste. US Magazine. Like, for sure! Pater says it has the intellectual content of rat's pee. He says, he says, he says.

Well, Mater says he's wrong. US Magazine is a great educational tool on how to strive for the best and succeed. Just imagine, Avocado Jnr, how wonderful it would be if they did an entire edition just on you. Obviously they'd start with, "Avocado Jnrs are just like us..."

...they frolic in the water...

...they lounge by the waterfront...
...they chill on their yachts...
...they try new hairstyles...
...they model new headbands...

...they hang out with their family...


...they try out new foods.



BUT...


BUT...


...BUT what if the pressure of your fame got too much for you. Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, that horrible man from Lethal Weapon. Mater shudders. You might start hiding from your fans...

...or trying to go out incognito...

...or even staying in all the time and watching The Mickey Mouse Club House ("Oh, toodles!!!!")...


And you love your milk. Who knows what might happens if you try driving after having one too many bottles for the road. Police cameras might catch you you tearing down Bathurst St at 0.001 km/hr...

...and what if a milk burp prevents you from seeing this cute young lady turning from Finch...

...there would be plastic and nappies everywhere. They'd probably arrest you for a DUI (Milk) and throw you in the slammer (oh alright, your toy garden) but knowing you, there would be an escape involved. And you're sure to try and get back behind the wheel...

You might cash in your RESP money to pay for taxis...

...or you'd have to get your cousin to chauffeur you around...

And it might not end there. What if you picked up a sugar addiction in jail? The paparazzi would be sure to photograph you sneaking a popsicle.

You'd try stopping them...
...but they'd still get a photo of you. They always do. Ask Saint Diana. And then boom, there's a whole article in US Magazine on how you were caught red-handed. Um, red-lipped...

The need for sugar might not stop there. Pater and Mater are sure you know about Grandma Toronto's candy stash in the kitchen. Would you try and break in when we weren't around?


And who's to say your heritage from Pater's side won't show itself. Mater's seen what those English soccer hooligans get up to. They start all peaceful and calm...

...but it soon turns violent as the sugar rush starts and the rowdiness gets out of hand...

Inevitably, your need for nappy money would lead you to give a four page interview to US. We only pray that Levi Johnston isn't pictured with you. What would you say to them?

And from there it's only a short leap to having a page on Youtube...

www.youtube.com/user/hassesavocados

You know what, Avocado Jnr? Maybe Pater has a point - maybe Mater should cancel her subscription to US Magazine. My only question now is, what do you prefer, the Economist or Newsweek???

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