Mater: The Avocados 2015

Posted by Pater , Wednesday, February 18, 2015 1:43 PM

Good evening and welcome to the 87th Avocados Awards, live from the Dolby Theatre here in down town Toronto.  The stars are all here tonight on the slightly damp red carpet.  What a turn out.  AJ1 is just stepping out of her Barbie limo now and she's sporting a gorgeous fur jacket (calm down, it's faux).  Is she ever stunning the crowds!

Oh wait, here comes AJ2 in what is believed to be an original Batman t-shirt and swimming shorts and Spiderman crocs.  How does he pull it off?
And who's following behind?  I think it's AJ3 and it looks like he's wearing, wait could it be, yes it is, it's AJ2's hand me downs.  Just pure class.
They're all here tonight to celebrate some great achievements that have literally (Pater: figuratively) got the world talking.  But let's move into the theatre as our stars take their seats and the award ceremony begins.
Our first award, for achievements in martial arts, has four exceptional candidates this year including Jet Li, AJ1, Steven Segal and a posthumous nomination for the great Bruce Lee.  The audience is on the edge of their seat as the C-list actor opens the envelope...and the winner for achieving a Yellow and White Belt in karate is AJ1 (watch out boys!)...
Our next award is for impressive achievements in the area of swimming.  And the nominations are Kate Winslett (admittedly for just holding on well in Titanic), AJ1 & AJ2.  I think we're going to be lucky enough to see a short clip of these two acquastars, displaying some exemplary variations on diving...
And that actress who once dated the guy who was famous for that hilarious catch phrase, is opening the envelope....and the winner for some outstanding floating while wearing nifty goggles is AJ2...
This has been a wild evening with some real shockers and our billion watchers at home have no idea what to expect next with our much anticipated catergory, General Movement.  It's really been a great year for General Movement, so there is no saying who will win this category.  And the nominations are Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line, Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump and AJ3 in I Just Learnt To Crawl So Move Everything Off The Floor In Case I Eat It.  And announcing the winner this year is Brad Pitt, wait Meryl Streep has barged on to the stage and grabbed the envelope, only to be tackled by Robert De Niro who in turn is being pinned down by Julia Roberts.  The stars are killing each other to be the one who announces this award.  The audience is in shock as Betty White steps over the prone bodies, picks up the envelope and announces that the winner is...AJ3!!!!!
Well folks, it's been another amazing year of achievements and no end of shockers at this year's Avocado Awards.  As many A-List actors get wheeled out of the theatre (and in Robert De Niro's case, gurneyed), the real stars of the night are kicking back with their awards and some cookies and milk.  See you all next year!

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