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Pater: Independence
Posted by Mater , Sunday, May 15, 2011 7:23 PM
Dear Avocado Jnr,
Mater and I were shocked to receive the letter from your lawyer, informing us of your desire to divorce us. We understand formal proceedings have commenced and that we are not allowed to communicate directly with you, but we couldn't let that stop us, especially after your lawyer informed us that the main reason for the divorce is that we are "holding you back". Mater and I are shocked. We thought that after we bought you your own toy car, toy kitchen unit and toy phone, you would feel free from the shackles you claim we have placed on you.
The last thing we wish to do at this stage is burden you with guilt but you should know that Mater has not slept or eaten in days. She keeps going on about how we should have spotted the signs of your independence earlier. You clearly haven't needed us to amuse you for months now...
...nor do you need us to help you keep fit...
...You already know how to chillax in front of the TV or with a book...
...work things out on your own...
...feed yourself...
...and even plan and create great masterpieces on your own...
Yes, portents of your independence were there and we naively ignored them. Mater is beating herself up about that aspect of this whole episode, but since we received your lawyer's letter, Pater has been more concerned with 'how?'. How did you get so independent?Pater wondered if it was an inherited trait. But since everyone assumes you take after your Mater and she has yet to cut the umbilical cord (subject of another blog post), that couldn't be it. Pater searched for an answer. Friends? Teachers? None seemed likely. And then it struck him - the Arab Spring had spread to Toronto. Like the the young Egyptians, Tunisians and Libyans all beying for freedom, the source of your divorce from us lay in technological access to messages of freedom, in your case the television.
But if so, who has been spreading evil messages of Freedom to you? Not Osama. Nor Obama. Someone else with a one-word name? That's right, J'Accuse Elmo!
With his love of his goldfish Dorothy and crayon too, Elmo is obviously a hippy who hates The Man. And don't even get me started on Mr Noodle and his brother, Mr Noodle's Brother - their hatred for parents is obvious when you realise that someone must have been responsible for such a pair of fools! And to think that we let you watch this evil propagandist morning after morning, as you ate your cereal and drank your milk.
Since his revelation, Pater has repeatedly slapped his forehead in shame as he realised that the signs of Elmo's influence has increased in the last few months.
And just recently you've really been rubbing Elmo in our face... 
So now we know what caused your desire for independence from us. There is nothing that can be done to reverse the indocrination you've gone through. The dye is cast. And so on. Our lawyer has advised that we best comply with all your wishes. The crib and changing table are yours. As are Ursula the Bear, Mr Boing Boing and Gemima the Doll. The building blocks will be split 50:50, as will your stacking cups.
Since there is nothing we can do to change your mind, you won't mind if we include our most recent photo of the three of us. Just as a momento, you understand. It should not be construed as guilt-inducers. We accept that you want to go. The last thing we'd want is for you to look at the photo, break down in guilt-ridden tears, and then call your lawyer to halt the divorce proceedings...
All our love, Mater and Pater
p.s. we presume you will still be walking in the upcoming Zareinu Movethon to help kids with special needs and if so will want your friends and family to sponsor you at http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1114045&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.moveathon.com%2F.
And Mater and Pater certainly never get given a "huggy" as freely as you offered to this goose...